For Dads: What To Do, What Not To Do When Your Wife Has Postpartum Depression

What you think might help, might not.

Published on March 20, 2011 by Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW in This Isn’t What I Expected

 

It can be extremely frustrating to live with someone’s who’s depressed, especially when you have a new baby and it seems like the house is crowded with things that need to get done right now. What you think might help, might not. Or, could even make things worse. Remember, you cannot fix this. You cannot make this go away.  No matter how hard you try or how much you love your wife, recovery takes longer than you want it to. You must be willing to wait this out with her. 

I’m hoping these suggestions will help the two of you.

Keep these important points in mind:

• Research has shown us that a woman’s depression will improve markedly with the consistent support of a significant other.
• The longer you pretend that the depression will go away by itself and deny it is really happening, the longer her recovery will take.
• The more you expect of her, the greater your demands, the more difficult her recovery will be.
• The harder you are on yourself, the less resources you will have to carry you through each day.
• You must take this very seriously.
• You have much more power to affect the outcome of how you both feel, than you might think you do.
• Your wife will get better. Things will settle at home, in time. You will have your wife and your life, back.

What to say

Her moods and emotional vulnerability will get in the way of good communication for now.

Here’s what you’re up against:

• If you tell her you love her… she won’t believe you.
• If you tell her she’s a good mother…she’ll think you’re just saying that to make her feel better.
• If you tell her she’s beautiful… she’ll assume you’re lying.
• If you tell her not to worry about anything… she’ll think you have no idea how bad she feels.
• If you tell her you’ll come home early to help her… she’ll feel guilty.
• If you tell her you have to work late… she’ll think you don’t care.

But you can:

• Tell her you know she feels terrible.
• Tell her she will get better.
• Tell her she is doing all the right things to get better (therapy,medication, etc.).
• Tell her she can still be a good mother and feel terrible.
• Tell her it’s okay to make mistakes; she doesn’t have to do everything perfectly.
• Tell her you know how hard she’s working at this right now.
• Tell her to let you know what she needs you to do to help.
• Tell her you know she’s doing the best she can.
• Tell her you love her.
• Tell her your baby will be fine.

What NOT to say

• Do not tell her she should get over this.
• Do not tell her you are tired of her feeling this way.
• Do not tell her this should be the happiest time of her life.
• Do not tell her you liked her better the way she was before.
• Do not tell her she’ll snap out of this.
• Do not tell her she would feel better if only: she were working, she were not working, she got out of the house more, stayed home more, etc.
• Do not tell her she should lose weight, color her hair, buy new clothes, etc.
• Do not tell her all new mothers feel this way.
• Do not tell her this is just a phase.
• Do not tell her if she wanted a baby, this is what she has to go through.
• Do not tell her you know she’s strong enough to get through this on her own and she doesn’t need help.

Practical things you can do

1. Help around the house
2. Set limits with friends and family
3. Answer the phone. Take a message.
4. Throw in a load of laundry. Order take-out for dinner.
5. Accompany her to doctor’s appointments
6. Educate yourself about PPD, read the books your wife gives you
7. Write down the concerns and questions you have and taking them to her doctor or therapist.
8. Make a list, together, of the things that may provide an outlet for her so you can both refer to it when she needs a break.
9. The single most important thing for you to do to help is to just be with her. Sit with her. No TV, no kids, no dog, no bills, no newspaper. Just you and her. Let her know you’re there.This isn’t easy to do, especially with someone who seems so sad or so distant. Five minutes a day is a good place to start.

Other things you can (should) do

1. Call her from work to check in. Call her again if she’s having a bad day.
2. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help.
3. Look her in the eyes when she talks to you.
4. Encourage her to get as much rest as possible.
5. Intervene so she can get some uninterrupted sleep.
6. Try to find some “you and me” time with no other distractions.
7. Call a friend and solicit support.
8. Listen to her.
9. Be patient.

REMEMBER:

• Try to postpone any important decision until after she is feeling better.
• Decisions that cannot wait should be made together, whenever possible.
• Decisions about childcare, work, breastfeeding, etc. will feel enormous to her now. Help her sort this out by discussing the pros and cons of each decision.
• Some of the things you think she should do right now to feel better, may not work.
• Some of the things that previously made her feel good, may feel like too much effort at this time.

© Copyright 2011 Karen Kleiman, MSW www.postpartumstress.com

Adapted from The Postpartum Husband: Practical Solutions for Living withPostpartum Depression by Karen Kleiman, MSW

photo: Getty images

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201103/dads-what-do-what-not-do-when-your-wife-has-postpartum-depression

The baby boost – how babies are helping their moms recover from depression.

The baby boost

Reveals how babies are helping their moms recover from depression. The ten percent of new mothers who suffer major depression within weeks or months of giving birth; The Postpartum Well-Being Program directed by Stephanie von Ammon Cavanaugh at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke’s Medical Center (Chicago); How mothers benefit from interaction with their babies; The program’s success.

By PT Staff, published on January 01, 1994

Postpartum Depression

For 10 percent of new mothers the joy of childbirth gives way to major depression within weeks or months. If not treated, these women not only suffer from the usual symptoms of the disorder–anxiety, hopelessness, and loss of self-worth–but also may have trouble forming a bond with their baby. And that can stunt a child’s emotional and mental development.

Now, a team of Chicago doctors has enlisted some very special people to hell depressed new moms: their own babies.

“We try to preserve the mother-baby bond as well as promote the integration of the entire family during the course of the mental illness,” reports psychiatrist Stephanie von Ammon Cavanaugh, M.D., who the Postpartum Well-Being Program at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke’s Medical Center.

Unlike traditional therapy, which relies on individual counseling, the program encourages mothers to bring in and interact with their babies as much as possible. The baby acts as a “powerful stimulus,” helping depressed moms combat the intrusive thoughts they often have about intentionally harming their child, while building up their confidence as nurturers. Husbands and kids also get counseling to confront feelings of resentment and guilt that can overwhelm families coping with a depressed parent

So far, the program has been quite successful, says Cavanaugh. With treatment, more than 80 percent of women with postpartum depression can recover completely within one year. Without help, only 25 to 30 percent improve and those who don’t may have babies who grow up wetting the bed, having a lower I.Q., and crying more often.

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199401/the-baby-boost

 

Insufficient sleep linked to increased incidence of postpartum depression

Postpartum depression higher in sleep deprived moms

Published on July 21, 2009 by Dennis Rosen, M.D. in Sleeping Angels

Depression after childbirth, or postpartum depression, occurs in between 13-20% of women. Its onset is usually a few weeks after childbirth, and many risk factors for it have been identified, including a history of depression preceding childbirth, poor support networks in caring for the newborn, and what has been termed “difficult child temperament” (though it is not always clear whether the mother’s mood colors her perception of the infant’s temperament, or if the infant’s temperament does in fact influence the mother’s mood).

A study published in the August 2009 issue of the Archives of Women’s Mental Health looking at the effect of sleep fragmentation on the development of postpartum depression found that new mothers who were awake for more than two hours between midnight and 6 am on a regular basis, and new mothers who napped less than one hour during the day on a regular basis, were at increased risk for depression three months after delivery. Their sleep was measured with a motion sensor (an actigraph) which can give a more accurate indication of sleep patterns than diaries, particularly if they are not filled out in “real time”, as can happen when one is chronically sleep deprived and trying to deal with all the extra work accompanying a newborn.

This study’s findings demonstrate the very important role sleep plays in the health and well being of a new mother, sleep which is all too often very lacking. It also points to a very simple way that partners, older children, extended family, and/or friends can help a new mother adjust to and cope with the hardships and responsibilities of caring for a newborn: taking care of the baby for portions of the day and night so that she can simply get more sleep. A less sleep deprived mother is a happier and healthier mother (and wife, partner, friend).

Many of the infants seen at the sleep center at Children’s Hospital Boston are referred because of irregular sleeping patterns, and difficulties initiating and maintaining sleep. These almost never have a negative effect on the child, but do wreak havoc on the parents’ (especially the mother’s), ability to get a decent amount of sleep. The children are usually bright eyed, smiling and playful, often in stark contrast to the exhausted mother with dark circles under her eyes who looks like she hasn’t slept in half a year (and in many cases, she indeed has not).

Postpartum depression is a serious, and unfortunately, all too common disorder. Perhaps by making sure new mothers have a chance to sleep properly, its incidence can be mitigated.

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sleeping-angels/200907/insufficient-sleep-linked-increased-incidence-postpartum-depression

Going Through a Crisis

Will you ever feel happy again?

Published on May 27, 2011 by Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. in Mommy Mental Health

When we’re experiencing a challenging event or time in our life, it can feel absolutely devastating. In the moment, it can seem difficult to impossible even imagining surviving, let alone ever feeling happy again. To maintain a healthy perspective in the middle of a rough period takes practice. Saying things like, “this is so difficult and painful but I know the worst of it is temporary,” can help. The emotional pain can easily distract and trick us into believing it will never leave. If you hear yourself thinking or saying the words “never” and “always” (For instance, “I’ll never get over this” or, “I’ll always feel this way”) you can be sure you’ve lost your healthy perspective. It’s so important for us to remember that indeed we can and will get through it, with proper support. From my personal and professional experience, I can say with conviction that we can actually emerge from the crisis better and stronger than before.

Dr. Shosh
www.DrShosh.com

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/mommy-mental-health/201105/going-through-crisis

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D.

Shoshana Bennett, Ph.D. (“Dr. Shosh”) from the popular DrShosh.com Radio Show is the author of Pregnant on Prozac, Postpartum Depression For Dummies, and co-author of Beyond the Blues: Understanding and Treating Prenatal and Postpartum Depression & Anxiety.  National TV shows including  “20/20” and “The Doctors” feature Dr. Shosh as the postpartum expert and news stations consult her.  Several publications including the San Francisco Chronicle and the San Jose Mercury News have written articles on Dr. Shosh’s work.  She’s interviewed regularly on national radio and has been quoted in dozens of newspapers and magazines such as The Wall Street Journal, WebMD, Boston Globe, Fit Pregnancy, Glamour, Parenting, Psychology Today, New York Post, Self, Cosmopolitan, and the Chicago Tribune.

Dr. Shosh is a pioneer in the field.  She is a survivor of two life-threatening, undiagnosed postpartum depressions. She founded Postpartum Assistance for Mothers in 1987, and is a former president of Postpartum Support International. She has helped over 19,000 women worldwide through individual consultations, support groups and wellness seminars.  As a noted guest lecturer and keynote speaker, she travels throughout the US and abroad, training medical and mental health professionals to assess and treat postpartum depression and related mood and anxiety disorders. She earned three teaching credentials, two masters degrees, a Ph.D. and is licensed as a clinical psychologist. She can be contacted through DrShosh.com.

 

PPD? Questions & Tips for Postpartum Women

Do we really know how postpartum women are feeling?

Published on July 26, 2011 by Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW in This Isn’t What I Expected

To physicians and other healthcare practitioners:  If you are not asking these questions of each postpartum woman, you do not know how she is feeling:

To postpartum women: If your healthcare provider is not asking you these questions, take this list with you and be sure they know how you are feeling:

• Have you had PPD before?
• Do you have a history of depression?
• Are you sleeping okay when your baby sleeps?
• Any changes in your appetite?
• Are you experiencing anxiety or panic?
• Are you afraid to be alone with your baby?
• Do you feel more irritable or angry than usual?
• Are you worried about the way you feel right now?
• What worries you the most about the way you feel?
• Are you afraid you might lose control?
• Are you afraid of the thoughts you are having?
• Do you wonder if you’re a bad mother?
• If you are breastfeeding, how important is that to you?
• Do you ever have thoughts about hurting yourself?
• Do you find it hard to make decisions?
• Does your husband know how you are feeling?
• How do you feel about taking medication if it helps you feel better?
• Are there other stressful events that are impacting the way you feel?
• Is there anything you are afraid to tell me, but think I should know?

Tips for professional and family support:

• Do not assume that if she looks good, she is fine.
• Do not tell her it’s normal to feel this way after having a baby.
• Do not assume this will get better on its own.
• Do encourage her to get a comprehensive evaluation.
• Do take her concerns seriously.
• Do let her know you are there if she needs you

source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201107/ppd-questions-tips-postpartum-women

copyright 2011 Karen Kleiman  postpartumstress.com

 

 

 

 

 

Postpartum Depression Shouldn’t Make Moms Feel Ashamed

Image via Bryan Gosline/Flickr

Originally Posted by Jacqueline Burt on August 6, 2011 at 6:00 AM

It doesn’t surprise me that there’s still enough of astigma associated with postpartum depressionthat many moms don’t seek help.

Postpartum depression is an illness, but we treat it as a character flaw, a personal failure. I know the shame women with PPD feel, because I’ve been there myself.

I’ll never forget the despair and self-loathingthat marked the postpartum depression I went through after my daughter was born. I knew it was “normal.” All the baby books listed it as a postnatal symptom right alongside engorged breasts and fatigue.

But nothing prepared me for the reality …

I loved my new baby more than I’d ever loved anything on the face of the earth. I was beyond lucky, and I knew that. That’s why I couldn’t forgive myself for feeling like I was emotionally at the bottom of a deep, dark well, fighting to keep myself afloat. That’s really the best way to describe it … for me, postpartum depression was like falling. And falling, and falling, and having no idea how to climb my way back up.

I was terrified that I wouldn’t be able to take care of my daughter, but I was even more terrified to admit that to myself. I was less afraid of what other people would think, which is why I didn’t wait very long to make an appointment with a therapist once I realized that I needed to see one. In my case, the “stigma” was self-imposed. I can’t help but wonder if it’s not the same for other women … we expect so much of ourselves, we want, more than anything, to be the ”perfect” mothers to our new babies.

But we’re not perfect, and that’s okay. The first step in getting over postpartum depression, for me, was accepting that fact, and realizing that I could be a good momin spite of my own personal limitations.

My heart goes out to moms who are going through this incredibly difficult time. I can promise you that it won’t last forever. The sooner you get help, the sooner you’ll start to feel better. You deserve to feel better.

Did you go through postpartum depression?

Image via Bryan Gosline/Flickr

Originally Posted by Jacqueline Burt on August 6, 2011 at 6:00 AM

ABOUT THE AUTHOR  Jacqueline Burt has written for numerous magazines, newspapers and websites. She is easily bored and often tired, so she requires constant entertainment to keep her awake. Dance, Monkey! Dance!

Source: http://thestir.cafemom.com/baby/124181/postpartum_depression_shouldnt_make_moms

Asking for Help: What Gets in the Way and Why?

It takes strength to ask for help, it is not a sign of weakness.

Published on August 4, 2011 by Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW in This Isn’t What I Expected

 Women tend to take better care of everyone else than themselves. Most women readily confess that self-care is on the bottom of their “to-do” lists. Mothers, in particular, are inclined to sacrifice their own needs while maintaining intense focus on the needs of their children. Often, mothers are motivated by the belief that complete and singular attention to ones’ child is the very hallmark of a devoted, loving mother. Compromise in this area does not feel like an option to many women.This prevailing notion that motherhood is synonymous with sacrifice, if not complete abandonment of ones’ own needs, can quickly translate into a loss of self. Somewhere along the way, mothers have incorporated the misperception that taking care of themselves is selfish and incompatible with the fierce demands of motherhood.

It’s hard to ask for help. Asking for help is often perceived as a character weakness, If I were only strong enough, I could do this by myself or worse, a mothering flaw, If I were a good mother, I wouldn’t need help. Giving help is simply easier than asking for it, and accepting it is even harder altogether! However, it is important to recognize that these perceptions are just that-perceptions, rather than facts. In early chapters, we learned that mothers with scary thoughts are understandably reluctant to let others know how they are feeling and what they are thinking. Even though one might understand that it is in her best interest to talk about it, it makes sense that she might hesitate to do so. Nevertheless, asking for help around the house, or help with the kids, or companionship to ease the strain is essential to a woman’s well being and should surpass the reflex not to ask for it.

One of the most powerful contributing factors to a woman’s reluctance to ask for help during the postpartum period is her need for control when everything around her is feeling so out of control. During this time when unpredictability triumphs over order, postpartum women are often forced to relinquish their desire for harmony and settle for the illusion of control. What does an illusion of control look like? It looks perfect. If a woman is inclined toward perfectionism, this tendency will promptly supersede the chaos. In this way, everything that feels out of place miraculously falls in line. At least that’s how it looks. One new mother described it this way:

I tried so hard to make sure everyone saw me as a mother who was totally in control; after all, I’ve done this before. No big deal. Women have been having babies for centuries. I knew what I needed to do to look good so no one would think anything was wrong. On the surface, it looked exactly the way I wanted it to. I was calm and perfectly in control. I made sure to put my make up on right before an appointment with my doctor or my kid’s doctor or my therapist. I even put on lipstick, which I never wear, so I would look fresh and ready for the world. But it was like my body was stuck in high idle with my engine revving but going nowhere. At any moment, I felt my insides would rupture. Still, I wouldn’t dare let anyone know I was feeling that way.

The energy it takes to maintain this illusion is enormous and, ironically, makes it harder to ask for help. The experience of feeling completely out of control, while simultaneously longing for it, is not unfamiliar to mothers. This is why it is so important for women to give themselves permission to ask for help. Remember, the objective is to reduce the external stress, thereby reduce the distress, and in so doing, reduce the frequency or intensity of feelings of distress.

Asking for help is not a luxury. It is essential.

Excerpted and adapted from “Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts” Kleiman & Wenzel (2010) Routledge

Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/isnt-what-i-expected/201108/asking-help-what-gets-in-the-way-and-why

Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW

Karen Kleiman, MSW, LCSW, is Founder and Executive Director of The Postpartum Stress Center, LLC.  She is the author of several books on postpartum depression, and has been working with women and their families for over 25 years. A native of Saint Louis, MO., Karen has lived in the Philadelphia area since 1982 with her two children and her husband. After graduating in 1980 from the University of Illinois at Chicago with her Masters in Social Work, she began her practice as a psychotherapist, specializing in women’s issues. In 1988 she founded The Postpartum Stress Center, LLC where she provides treatment for prenatal and postpartum depression and anxiety.

In addition to her clinical practice, Karen provides advanced training classes for clinicians from around the world to hope to specialize in the treatment of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders. She and her staff also conduct inservices for healthcare professionals as well as consultation and supervision to therapists. She frequently lectures and continues to write on the topic of postpartum adjustment. Her work has been featured in local and national magazines, numerous radio shows, local and national television shows, “Inside Edition”, The Oprah Winfrey Show and NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw.

Currently, Karen is affiliated with a number of on-line sites, where she writes articles, facilitates support chats and addresses concerns of postpartum and pregnant women. In addition to her work at The Postpartum Stress Center, Karen maintains a general private practice where she treats individuals, couples and families.