7 Steps To Banishing Feelings of Helplessness in Mothers

Working with a mothering coach on the things you can change, can diminish helpless feelings

We all experience helplessness at times. YUK! And double YUK!

Helplessness is one of the most painful emotions human beings can feel. Helplessness is a state of acute powerlessness that is almost unbearable. So unbearable that people will do and tell themselves almost anything to get rid of the feeling.

When helplessness is severe

Suicidal feelings are often a result of helplessness. When we are so helpless and out of control of our lives, it can make us feel empowered to think that we have a solution at hand, and that solution (suicide) is something within our control.

Anger and rage are also feelings that stem from helplessness. Murderous feelings and actions can stem from feeling helpless. Again, we so desperately need to feel like there is a solution because nobody likes to feel helpless.

Is helplessness a normal feeling?

While suicidal feelings are severe symptoms of postpartum depression (requiring immediate help and attention from an expert who is experienced in working with PPD), feelings of helplessness are also normal in new mothers.

Why do new moms feel so helpless?

Anne Pleshette Murphy, author of the book, “The Seven Stages of Motherhood” describes this beautifully:

“One of the reasons we’re so acutely aware of our newborns’ helplessness is that we feel so helpless ourselves. But unlike the preceding nine months, during which you were often fussed over and pampered, treated as though you were a helpless baby, now you’re expected to act like a grown-up, to be a mom!

..Some part of our unconscious self identifies intensely with our babies; we experience a kind of fierce neediness, a feeling of vulnerability athat runs counter to everyone’s expectations of how we should behave. Yes, we’re allowed to be exhausted, weepy, even unwashed, but to curl into a ball in bed jut won’t fly in most Western households.

Of course, if you happen to live in the Japanese islands of the Goto Archipelago, you’re expected to take to your bed. There, new mothers spend at least one month wrapped almost cocoonlike with their newborns while their own mothers feed and serve them. The doting grandmothers even use a kind of singsong “motherese,” underscoring their recognition of a new mother’s vulnerability and helplessness.”

What can we do about feeling helpless?

1. Recognize

When a new mom is feeling helpless, one of the most comforting things she can hear is that somebody understands she is feeling utterly helpless and (if suicidal or depressed or anxious) she may see no way out of her helplessness. Before helping her find a constructive solution, she first needs to know that her feelings of helplessness are recognized, understood and accepted.

2. Identify

Next is to figure out the actual issue that she is feeling most helpless about. What is she trying to do that she cannot do? For some moms it has to do with getting the baby to nurse, to grow or to sleep. For other moms it’s about being able to find time and energy for other things – work, housework, other children etc.

3. List

Next, begin to actually write down a list of the things that are causing the feelings of helplessness. Keep going until the list is exhausted.

4. What cannot be changed?

Next divide the list up into things that cannot be changed. These are the things that must be accepted. Place an “A” for “Accept” next to those list items. For example here are some things that my clients talk about that cannot be changed.

-I am a single mom and I have to work. I wish I could be a stay-at-home mom.
-I want to be a perfect mom so my child grows up without any problems.

Both of these things require acceptance. The single mom has to work and nobody can mother perfectly! Not one of us!

5. What can be changed?

Next, write a “C” for “Change” next to the list items that can be changed. For example, here are some things my clients talk about that can be changed or modified.

-I am neglecting my own needs.
-I am exhausted.
-I can’t get my baby to sleep long enough for me to rest.

6. Create a plan of change.

Once these changeable things have been identified, you can brainstorm and problem-solve ways to begin modifying them. Talk to friends, other moms, your partner or a new mother coach.

7. Take action

Choose one item to tackle first and decide what steps you can put in place that will create the change and the results you want, and then TAKE ACTION.

When you take action, you reduce your feelings of helplessness!

5 Steps to SMARTER New Year’s Resolutions

5 Steps to SMARTER New Year's Resolutions

New Year’s Eve is upon us – a magical time for setting new goals and making changes.  Would you like to harness some of that magic for yourself?

Following these five steps will increase your chances of reaching your goals next year, and being successful at what you desire.

Traditionally, the end of the year is a time for making resolutions. Very often these are things we have struggled with all year, and not been able to achieve. And so, we think that by re-invoking them on New Year’s Eve they will be imbued with some kind of magic – and they will happen!

Now, I do think there is a bit of truth to that belief. There IS some mystery and magic in ritual and symbol that we don’t always fully understand. So choosing a special day when millions of other people are also deciding to make some kind of change is a good idea! But it’s not enough.

Here are 5 tips for more successful resolutions –  resolutions that have a very good chance of being followed through.

1.  Choose your New Year’s Resolutions Consciously and Seriously

Setting goals is part of all of our lives, but often it is done unconsciously and with very little purpose and direction. Many of us make choices by default. Today, right now, choose a goal consciously and purposefully. Give it due consideration.

Think about your understanding of goals. A goal is well-defined. Like a target, it gives you clarity, motivation and focus. Having goals gives you a better chance of being successful.

Do you want your goal to be about making a change, forming a new habit, developing a skill, learning something new, stopping something old? What is your goal? For mothers, does your goal have to do with better parenting, better self-care?

2. Align your Goal with your Values

When you goal is aligned with your values, it has a better chance of being realized.  Your values are what you esteem and give worth to. They determine where you spend your money, time and energy. So before, settling on a goal, spend a few moments deciding whether it is, in fact, part of YOUR value set. If it isn’t, it’s going to be very difficult to be consistent with it.

What are your top 5 values? Write them down..

3.  Be SMART about your Resolution or Goal.

You need to write it down. Clearly. Use the SMART method. In other words, make sure that it is specific (S), measurable (M), attainable (A), realistic (R) and has a time-frame (T). The more defined and specific, the better.  Then you will know for certain whether you are achieving it or not. Most goal experts advise you to read it morning and night, so write it down and keep it where you can see it daily.

4.  Make a PLAN of Action.

If you don’t plan, you plan to fail. It’s really as simple as that. Not creating an action plan is defaulting to not following through. So step 4 is to create the action plan. All you need to do is write down the steps required to achieve the goal. You can start from the end (the final product) and work backwards or you can start from the present, and write down the very next step. Keep going and keep asking yourself, “What is my next step?” Write down each tiny step – that will be your action plan.

5. Create a BACKUP Plan

In the final step, you are going to think through all the obstacles that could get in the way of following through on your resolution. Think of what you have tried in the past and what has stopped you. List them all, and then write down in advance what you will do to overcome them this time. How youwill not let them become excuses for abandoning your goal. Be proactive and prepared. We’re all human, after all, and prone to distraction and fatigue and inconsistency!

So what structure could you create to help you stay on track? Be creative and serious about it. This is your life you are planning – not just a goal!

My very best wishes to you for a wonderful New Year full of realized goals and dreams!

Kim Richardson

 

What exactly is a Mother’s Coach?

By now most people have heard of life coaching. In fact, it seems that every other person has become a Life Coach. Life Coaches usually specialize in an area of life coaching – a niche. My niche is coaching mothers. I chose this area because, as a psychotherapist, my specialty is working with pregnancy, fertility, adoption, mothering (parenting) and postpartum issues.

Perhaps you are reading this blog because at some point you may have wondered what it’s like to have your own mother’s coach. What exactly is a mother’s coach, you may have asked yourself?

In this article, I am going to show you how useful and effective a mother’s coach can be by describing a scenario and showing you how it would be handled by a coach vs. a consultant, a mentor or a counselor / psychotherapist.

 

Can a Mother's Coach help me get my baby to sleep? "Yes!" says Kim Richardson founder of www.TheMommyBlues.com

SCENARIO : Kathy is a first-time mom who is having trouble getting her baby to fall asleep. She is exhausted from nursing him to sleep but cannot stand to put him down and listen to him crying, as she leaves the room.

Her first call for help is to a baby sleep consultant who assesses the situation and advises Kathy to use a technique in which she is to put the baby down and leave the room for progressively longer periods. The consultant reassures her that the baby will not suffer from this, and that he should be falling asleep easily after 3-7 nights.

Kathy tries this technique but is unable to follow through. Her baby’s cries upset her to the point of tears and she is unable to tolerate any crying.  Even though the baby may not be suffering, Kathy is!

Next Kathy talks to her psychotherapist.  Together they explore her feelings. She describes terrible guilt when he cries and says that she feels as if she is abandoning him when she does not respond to his cries. Talking about her feelings reminds her of the time her mother was hospitalized for 7 weeks when Kathy was 5 years old. She recalls crying herself to sleep at night, and missing her mother. She feared that her mother was gone forever. Kathy realizes that her son’s crying evokes this painful memory that was, until now, forgotten. This is a helpful insight for Kathy, though it does not immediately change her actions with her son.

A few days later, still exhausted, she makes a call to her birth instructor, Mary. A woman in her 40s with 5 children in adolescence and older, To Kathy, Mary appears to know everything there is to know about birth, babies and parenting. Mary seems to be the epitome of the kind of mother Kathy would like to become – calm, wise and clear about her ideas. She arranges for Mary to visit her the next week.

Kathy is excited to show Mary her baby and hopefully talk about her difficulties with sleep. She feels sure that wonderful Mary, with all her knowledge and experience can help her. Without thinking about it, Kathy has reached out to someone from whom she wants to learn about mothering, someone who will function as a mentor to her.

The following day, surfing the web, still looking for sleep solutions, Kathy stumbles upon the site of a Life Coach who specializes in working with mothers – a Mother’s Coach. The coach offers a free trial session and Kathy decides to give her a call and set up a session.

During this trial session the coach invites Kathy to talk about an important issue she would like to solve. Kathy says she would like to be able to get her son to fall asleep without having to nurse or rock him for 1-3 hours. The coach asks Kathy what she has tried so far and how it has worked for her. Kathy describes the last few months and the coach listens without interruption. After clarifying a few things and asking some more questions which get Kathy to really think deeply about her values, her strengths and her vision for herself as a mother, the coach asks Kathy what she feels would be the right thing for her and her son.

Kathy is quiet for a moment, and then reaching from somewhere inside her, she realizes very clearly what it is that she wants to do.
“I am prepared to decrease the time I spend nursing him to sleep, but I do not want to leave the room if he is crying for me, she says. It might work for others, but it’s just not for me. I can’t do it. I realize why I cannot from my psychotherapy, and maybe I could do this one day, but not now. Not with this baby. I am clear about that.  So, perhaps, what I will do is..”

In the following sessions, the Mother’s Coach and Kathy put together a plan of action and some supportive structures that will help Kathy towards her goal of getting her son to sleep more easily. As they work together, they discover other areas in Kathy’s life that she is neglecting and would like to work on changing. They work as a team, helping Kathy fulfill her potential in all the different areas of her life.

Their work together does not interfere with Kathy’s work with her psychotherapist. Unlike psychotherapy, coaching is practical, future-looking, goal-based, and action-oriented.

As a result she feels less helpless and chaotic in her mothering and can set time aside for other areas that are important to her, such as friendships, her health and her marriage. She has a plan for going back to work and feels calmer and clearer about it.

5 Things New Moms Need and seldom ask for!

Do you have a new baby, or do you know someone who is about to adopt or give birth to a new baby?

It is true that in some non-western cultures supportive rituals are provided to ease the mother into her new role. In these cultures, it turns out, there is far less postpartum depression. Even the baby blues is rare!

In western cultures there are many medical “rituals” that take place in the hospital, but once you are home, you might feel pretty much abandoned, overwhelmed and alone!

Here are some ideas for simple acts of caring and kindness that typically make a big difference to the mother of a new baby in her first few months at home.

1. Meals: Preparing meals for the mother or organizing carry-in meals
2. Older siblings: Playing with older siblings, bathing them, reading to them, taking them to and from school
3. Housework: asking the new mother what she needs most in terms of housework, cleaning up after visitors
4. Community: finding new mother groups, mom and baby activities and giving her the information so that she can get out of the house, offering to go for a walk with her, or sit in the park with her.
5. Emotions: Asking her how she is really feeling. Letting her know that it’s normal to feel sad and tearful and overwhelmed. Offer to listen without giving advice.

If you are a new mom, practice asking for what you need from those around you. It is difficult for people to know exactly what you need, and most people, are very willing to help, and are waiting to be asked.

So ASK today!

Kim Richardson is an experienced Postpartum Depression Counselor, Certified Professional Coach, and psychotherapist. She works by telephone and skype – counseling, coaching and supporting mothers who are struggling. Visit:www.themommyblues.com or Email: Kim@TheMommyBlues.com to contact her.

How many children are right for you?

It’s always interesting to me how mothers come to decide how many children they will have.  Some no right away that one is enough, others are not done after 6!

After having my first daughter, I knew unequivocally, right away that I wanted to mother a second time. That feeling did not leave me for a moment. In fact it grew ever stronger! The problem was that having already raised three children of his own, my husband was very satisfied and did not hunger for more!

I tried to compromise. Really, I did.  So we got a puppy (see pic). The most adorable PBGV puppy you ever saw! But still seeing moms with new babies especially when they had older ones in tow, would send me into a frenzy of envy.

My dear husband, bless his heart, recalls training for a marathon with his best-friend-since-he-was-5 (named Danny).

“So the second child issue is resolved. We’re getting a puppy”, said my husband to Danny as they jogged along at talking pace. Danny, quiet for a long moment, finally answers:
“Aah, so you’re getting a dog and a baby.”

However, what even Danny failed to predict was that we were getting a dog and THREE children – two of whom arrived 2 minutes apart!!

By his own admission, my husband will now say at dinner parties after recalling the Danny story: “I finally put my foot down and gave in”.

I did not plan three, and had we spent the years that we talked about baby no. 2, actually MAKING that baby, perhaps my eggs would have been in better shape and IVF would not have been necessary. However, 4 miscarriages later, IVF was necessary and beautiful precious twins have brought huge amounts of love, joy, chaos and upheaval into ALL our lives.

I think about that strong compulsion to have more than one. Much of it is inexplicable, and I think hard-wired but one of the reasons I wanted another baby was because I wanted to be able to put all that hard-won expertise and inner growth I went through the first time, to good use. I imagined the ease with which i would sail along and feel masterful with baby no.2.  But no, it was not to be! I was again plunged into conscious incompetence as I struggled to manage the needs of baby twins and a four-year-old whose world was turned upside down.

I now have a mostly happy 8 year old and TWO four-year-olds who daily turn my house upside down and grow smelly fungi things deep in the recesses of my, ah, minivan.

Till, next time,

Kim

P.S.

Here is the personal essay that caught my eye and prompted this post. I would love to hear from readers about your baby making decisions! Essay: For Some Couples, One Kid Is Enough